alex_west001

I'm supposed to go home for Christmas. Most people would be ecstatic about going home and spending holidays with the family. Problem is, how do you enjoy family when they want you to be someone you're not?

I specifically asked my parents to make an attempt at asking my boyfriend if he would come to Christmas. I know they don't get along with him and there are issues, but that is not the point. The point of the matter is that I know, they know, and he knows that he would respectfully decline because he has his own family to spend time with, work, and an entire life that is 7 hours away and cannot leave for that long. It was never about his coming with me GOD DAMMIT, it was the idea that this is the POLITE thing to do, the socially proper thing that people are supposed to do in polite society.
I was raised under the pretense that even if you detested someone it was polite for you to be cordial to them. You didn't have to be nice, but you had to be cordial. Now I'm beginning to realize I was raised under these morals by a group of hypocrites. Not only have they been rude since first meeting, but they continued even through the time when humanity is supposed to be the most caring, compassionate, and loving towards one another. They couldn't even be bothered with trying to pick up the phone to talk to my boyfriend, let alone spend a moment with him in 9 months of our dating. So here's a letter to them from me.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you don't respect my choices in life and that I'm not going to be the "perfect son" that you had envisioned, but news flash: SUCK IT UP, AND GROW THE FUCK UP!
You raised me to understand that no matter what, upon meeting someone you should talk to them, get to know them, and if after all attempts still couldn't grow to like the person, that the socially polite thing was to be cordial. YOU'RE A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES!
When you me my boyfriend you wouldn't speak to him or acknowledge him. Of course he was nervous to meet you, your my parents, he's not going to talk. This is where you're supposed to be the adults and talk to him, break the ice and be kind. Instead you treat him like shit and go from being the parents that I told him I couldn't wait for him to meet, to the parents from hell who I'm so ashamed to have that I'm scared to introduce anyone I know to you.
In the summer there were multiple weekends you could have spent with me, and even a few where you could have gotten to know my boyfriend. Instead you did the one word breakfasts, and went on little trips to god knows where to avoid us. Hell you went to bed at 9:00 pm on a Saturday night so as not to have to sit in the living room with us while watching movies. Mom, you even bailed on a trip to the flea market, which I had planned for all three of us two weeks in advance, by getting up early and going shopping with my sister. You ditched us and didn't think twice about it.
At thanksgiving you specifically stated over the phone to "come home alone", and then wondered why my boyfriend wouldn't come into the house when he came to pick me up. He did it out of the kindness of his heart to save you the money it would cost to send me back on the bus, and me a 7 hour trip in solitude.
You haven't tried once. You have fought with him, you've been down right rude, and now that he has no respect for you and will stand up for himself you're even worse. You pick fights with me about coming home for such a short time, due to work, and blame it on him. You try to persuade me that he's controlling and cause fights between us.
The biggest thing I don't understand is why? Why can't you see how happy this person makes me, and how much I love him? Why haven't you seen how much I love him and asked yourselves why? Worst of all, Why can't you see what you're doing to me?
I'm in love with someone who loves me, treats me like a king, and makes me smile everyday, and every second that I'm with him, I'm torn. I'm stuck between my loyalty to you, my family, who I was told is thicker than water, and would be the people who would love me and be there to help me every time I fell; and between a man who makes me feel like I can do anything, who loves me with all his heart, who treats me like I'm the best thing in the world, and who would give anything to me if I asked. Don't you see how much I'm hurting?
Can you see how hard you've made this for me, or have you gotten so caught up in your own pride and selfish fighting, that you can't see that you're not killing him, you're killing me? I don't want to be home anymore, but I don't feel right being here. I feel that if I choose him, I'll never see you again, or that I'll never be able to go home happy again. If I choose you though I lose everything I love in him and risk breaking his heart when I can't be with him anymore. How do you expect me to make a choice like that, while at the moment I try to be neutral and both sides see me as the enemy. You hate me for apparently being on his side, and secretly he regrets me and feels betrayed because he thinks I'm on your side.
I don't know what you want anymore. I used to think that you meant it when you said all you wanted was for me to be happy, but now I can't believe that. I was happy and you made that miserable and made me feel sick with guilt for it.

The only way to be happy now is choose the last option, out! here's the rope and there's the rafters. "I'm holding on the rope, you've got me ten feet off the ground. I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound."

I'm sorry

***( note to the readers, this is metaphorical, not literal, and I have not intentions on taking my life into my own hands)****

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